My husband and I fought today after I got back from work?
I asked him to vacuum and clean the coffee table and buy some groceries while I worked. His parents were coming over for a brief visit tonight. The in laws brought food over and that is why my husband said he did not do any grocery shopping. Yet, I still need groceries for the week and I don't have a car and our baby needs to eat as well. In any case, I let that go. His parents came for an hour the minute I came home from work they got here. After, they left, I noticed the only thing he cleaned was the bathroom with the broken shelve he had broken out of anger a week ago. I brought it up to him that I noticed he cleaned to hide the evidence from his parents that he breaks things out of anger. At this point I was not yelling or screaming, I was talking calmly but I was clearly upset. It took less than one minute for him to throw a chair across the room, our baby started crying and he got his jacket and stormed out. I put our baby to bed and he is still not home, it has been 2 hours since. I feel bad for nagging at him, but I also feel overwhelmed sometimes with cleaning, cooking, volunteer work (teaching illiterate how to read and write) and working at a low paying job on the week ends and sometimes during the week. I know he works hard as well at work, but he comes home and gets a break, I don't feel like I ever get one.
The truth is sometimes, especially when he walks out like now, I feel jealous, very jealous because he can leave and I can't, Other than when I volunteer or work, I am always with my son and I never really get fun conversation anymore with anyone. My husband never really talks to me intimately, he waits for me to make the first move. I get alone time during the day when he is at work, but not really because I am with my baby and I clean and shop and worry about what will be for dinner and making sure it is prepared for when he gets home. I could never just say "I am leaving" and walk out. I am stuck here and he can come and go. Even when he goes to work, he gets to feel important, he works with computers, it is what he went to school for. He makes an honest average income. However, I did communication studies, honours degree and I have nothing to show for it because I had a son, got married and now I work in a job that pays /hr. A monkey could do my job in retail. However, I am not even allowed to express my frustration because he gets angry so quickly and breaks things or walks out but he never waits long enough to figure out where it all comes from.
I just need to vent and see if anyone feels the same way at times and if there is some advice out there for me on how to deal with my husband and not go crazy.
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I hear your venting and frunstration…Why can’t you ever leave or have time of your own? Have you tried it. Leaving him to take care of your son for the evening to go out w/ friends for that "break" and/or conversation that you yearn for. Why don’t you go shopping together?
Regarding the "what to do for dinner" stress, something that worked for me during a particularly busy time in both our lives was to make a list of 100 dinner recipes of main dish that we liked to eat…chicken, fish, beef, pork, eat-out, etc. Then one night a week (usually on family night) we’d pick 7 "numbers" from the list and that is what we would grocery shop for and make the following week. It also helps w/ deciding what to eat for lunches during the day.
If he is not willing to communicate fairly like an adult (no throwing or yelling), perhaps you need to seek additional resources of counseling to help you both learn ways to cope w/ each other and/or understand each others frustrations so you don’t trigger each other .
Sounds like he is manipulative, controlling and you are possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship (hopefully not physically abusive). He might be resistant to going to seek help w/ you but if you can go get some help, it would help the situation.
Do either of your employers offer an EAP program for you?
There is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to change him; he has to want to control his anger. See if he’ll go to marriage counseling with you. Also, why can’t you leave? Take your son and GO! If he could possibly hurt you or your son, why are you still staying with him?
the biggest red flag in your question is that he BREAKS and THROWS things when he is angry… what’s next? is he going to hit you or God forbid, the baby? you guys need help. sounds like everyone is overwhelmed with responsibilities and maybe it’s time to get some professional opinion on the matter
The problem here isn’t you…or your child, or your job or anything along those lines. The problem is he isn’t being fair to you! It’s not a fair relationship, and it should be. There’s no reason he can’t do his part. If he wants to eat, he can go to the store too. If he wants to put cups and whatever else on the coffee table, he can wipe it off. So maybe you should sit him down and say look, this isn’t working very well right now. Let him know you are having a hard time balancing it all. Don’t say "I do EVERYTHING and you do NOTHING!!!" that won’t get you very far…just let him know that you can’t always do it all, your not SuperMom, but you feel like he expects you to be. And you want some help. If he could go to the store once a week, if he could cook dinner sometimes, it would help a lot. Eventually, if he is willing, you will get into a routine that works for you. In our house I usually cook, because I like to. My husband likes laundry and I HATE laundry. I vacuum about 1/2 the time, and we alternate bathing the kids and doing the dishes. He’s in charge of the trash, I’m in charge of all the organizing stuff, like mail, bills, straightening out books and file cabinets. It works for us. And it is no stress, not something we discuss besides "I’m washing the kids tonight?" "Yes, I’ll do the dishes".
Try and work out something similar if that’s what you want. But here’s the thing….make sure you have some cash in your purse, have your makeup and some decent clothes on while you have this discussion with him about splitting up housework. If he’s not trying to hear it or refuses to cooperate or starts to be a jerk, leave. Get up and go. He will take care of the baby. Come back about 5 hours later or whatever he does. See how he likes it.
I can’t say anything about him throwing things really, because I am guilty of it. My husband and I have probably replaced the dishes 3 times. If I’m mad enough…the dishes suffer. It’s not right, but it makes me feel better. Maybe buy him a punching bag.